Have you no shame!

With cramped hands, and a sweaty brow, I make my way down the page, carefully deleting all the “F” words, “C”words and various other polite  alphabetical euphemisms. I hack through it all, like an explorer in a jungle of hate. This is my second revision of an email I am sending back to an online scammer. Needless to say, once I removed the choice expletives I was left with a sparse connect the dots of “if”, “you”, “I will”, “never” and “your family”.

I had posted my very nice bike on a local Ebay affiliate called “Gumtree” because Im moving soon. I was quickly contacted by a man who claimed he was on vacation and wanted my bike. His english was great, with the perfect amount of “mates” and “cheers”, sprinkled in, a far cry from Nigerians in jail. So I ran his IP address (a code that is linked to your email), it let me know that he was sending the email from Southern Cali. It all seemed possible enough, and I had a new Paypal account. I told him I prefer cash, he insisted on the Paypal.

A few days later, I was still contemplating the whole thing when I got this text “Is the bike still available. Please dont call me back at work, my boss is crazy. Email me at ….”. I like the “Boss is crazy bit”, so I emailed this guy too.

Sure enough, he wanted me to use Paypal too, because he was “in the army”, but his IP address was from NSW. Alright, by this time I knew they where both scammers and I was irate. Hence, the letters exploring my range of profanity, which is pretty good by the way. Halfway through my threat laden draft, I had this epiphany; “This isn’t who I am. This isn’t who I want to be. This isn’t how it should be done”. So I did what Eddie would do and I messed with them. The following is our exchange:


Great, thank you for getting back to me about my message, I agree to buy at your price and i am keen on the buy myself. How I wish i could come for viewing and inspection but being in the military is not funny at all and we are away right now although I will be back in some couple of weeks precisely 9weeks. Due to my inability to make a bank deposit, I would be paying via PayPal which is safer for me and i will cover the paypal transfer fees. Kindly send me a paypal payment invoice or create an account atwww.paypal.com.au if you dont have one. I know their are lots of dreamers and time wasters out there but this is real cos I will make a  concrete pick up arrangement with my transport agent who will be coming over for pick up once you receive full payment into your PayPal account. Have a nice day. Just few more clear photos will be appreciated as well.
Please be kind enough to resend me your land/mobile phone number and i will try as much as possible to give you a ring soon albeit schedule is very tight for me right now. thanks and get back soon.
I’d like to know certain things too;
Are you the first owner?
What is your reason for selling?
I’m sorry, just want to be sure about the sale before i proceed
Elton John,
I will send you the Paypal as soon as I can. I need to sell this bike quickly because I stole it and the police are after me, but Im sure they will not catch you with it because you are probably too fast. Since you are in the Military, you can always hide the bike in camoflage.
Before I send you the paypal, which will be very soon, I need you to reimberse me for the paypal fees before I can send anything. I also have a supreme transport cost that will be additional 15% if you want me to send it to you. If you could send the paypal monies through, I will send it all very quickly.
I will also accept pirate gold coins, mailed to my inbox.
I love you,
Yeah, I know his grammer is pretty bad, but thats what makes the whole thing more believable, I mean, hes supposed to be in the military. Anyway, the second guy is getting my papal account details in the form of an email attachment that will be a picture of a certain finger.
Welcome to Spam Art for the con artist.

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