With cramped hands, and a sweaty brow, I make my way down the page, carefully deleting all the “F” words, “C”words and various other polite alphabetical euphemisms. I hack through it all, like an explorer in a jungle of hate. This is my second revision of an email I am sending back to an online scammer. Needless to say, once I removed the choice expletives I was left with a sparse connect the dots of “if”, “you”, “I will”, “never” and “your family”.
I had posted my very nice bike on a local Ebay affiliate called “Gumtree” because Im moving soon. I was quickly contacted by a man who claimed he was on vacation and wanted my bike. His english was great, with the perfect amount of “mates” and “cheers”, sprinkled in, a far cry from Nigerians in jail. So I ran his IP address (a code that is linked to your email), it let me know that he was sending the email from Southern Cali. It all seemed possible enough, and I had a new Paypal account. I told him I prefer cash, he insisted on the Paypal.
A few days later, I was still contemplating the whole thing when I got this text “Is the bike still available. Please dont call me back at work, my boss is crazy. Email me at ….”. I like the “Boss is crazy bit”, so I emailed this guy too.
Sure enough, he wanted me to use Paypal too, because he was “in the army”, but his IP address was from NSW. Alright, by this time I knew they where both scammers and I was irate. Hence, the letters exploring my range of profanity, which is pretty good by the way. Halfway through my threat laden draft, I had this epiphany; “This isn’t who I am. This isn’t who I want to be. This isn’t how it should be done”. So I did what Eddie would do and I messed with them. The following is our exchange: