Category Archives: New Zealand

The Man in the Wool Suit

The man behind the counter smiled and shrugged, in that “awww, shucks”, kind of way that only real country people can pull off. He wasnt discourteous nor helpful about our predicament, only offering slightly rotten smiles each time we asked a different questions.

“Gas stations closed.” At the incredulous hour of 7:00 Friday night.

“Nope, no cell service. You’re in the Caitlins now.” It wasnt an answer as much as it was a sales pitch for his card operated phone booth located in font of his shoppe.

“If you call now the one up the road might be open. Depends on how many are there still drink’n.” Good to know you can get gas to drive home after drinking.

So we did what anyone would do, we called “up the road”, and asked the station/bar, to stay open just a little bit longer, so we could fill up and make the wet and winding 140km journey back to our batch.He said we have ’til 8 or so, then hes shut’n shoppe.

We’d set sail amidst a storm only recognizable by Oregonians and gnarled sea hands. The wind was the only sound in our radio free quest across the heart of South New Zealand. It was loud. This was not the New Zealand I had hoped to show my in-laws, this was something fierce. I couldn’t help but have the emotion of let down experienced when you take a friend, or a date to your favorite restaurant, and somehow, dispite all odds and history, it lets you down.  But I was wrong, the Caitlins didn’t let us down. As the only car on the road, we found an alternative and intimate experience to the region. As it happens so often, I needed to adapt myself to overcome my preconceived travel expectations, in order to find what I needed to find, not what I wanted to find.

This trip was the first with my new camera, so I will document it mostly through photos, many of which where taken by Linzays dad-Grant. As you’ll see hes pretty good with the glass.

Moonshine & Possum Hunt’n

The spent shell cartridges flee from the breech of the rifle and ping off the window down into the plastic dashboard. I imagine a trail of smoke following them down into those God forsaken car crevasses– the holes where things disappear and grow sticky.  Now is not the time to think about trivial things. This is serious. This is Possum hunting (not Opossum).

possumhunting

This, is a kiwi drive by from the comfort of a Range Rover. My gun is propped on the windowsill, barrel pointed out, the lazer dot locked on a hapless hare. I finish him and we speed back off through the rolling paddocks, fields, and into the forest.

Grant, my wife’s dad, is in the back. A 5-shot tactical shotgun sits casually in his lap; a small grin on his face. Taz is the eyes of this operation. He scans the abyss with a spotlight, searching for those evil, little eyes poking out from beneath the impossibly starry night.

pluckingfur

“Grant, right side in the wood stack.” It’s not quite a whisper, but Taz doesn’t seem like the type of man to whisper. He gets his point across. All too quickly Grant is out of the car and the world is rid of two more possums. He wields the steel with precision– a frightening thing to see from your father-in-law. I pull another one from a tree top using the scope. The big grey hangs by its tail  for a second before falling in a heap at my feet. Seconds later we are plucking the soft, valuable fur off and  then it’s back to the car for a warm up and a quick nip of cinnamon shine.

Possum

By no means am I a violent man. I was raised in a pacifist no-mans-land between an  agnostic vegetarian and a Christian. But this is New Zealand and possums are an imported plague. They eat native plants, endangered kiwi birds and baby birds. They are known to do so much ecological damage that it forces them to cannibalize one another. I’m not going to say I didn’t feel bad shooting the fuzzy baby possum off its mothers back, but it is the right thing to do for the environment. In a way, I imagine myself to be one of Captain Planet’s planeteers, just with a shotgun instead of a ring. Certainly not the heart ring.

Taz runs Southern Lakes Hunting Guides, and can take you on one of his cultural and “ecological”  experiences. I hear a bike version may be on the way soon, you know, to save the emissions.

Video

When Life Gives You Rotten Apricots…

…try to make something out of them. 

Sometimes you learn more from when things go wrong.

This is one of those times.

If we didnt have our trusty 10L Alembics Copper Still, and used stainless, this would have probably been undrinkable or at least need a million filters. Moreover, we learned not to over do it with the mega sugars pushed at brew stores. Now, we’re back to our organic ways.

Huge props to Eric and Linz for shooting most of this. I just did the edit.

Aprirot

Fruit Review- Hu Hu Bugs

HuHuTime

When I awoke, Harlem was shaking.

Although, I suppose it never stopped, I simply managed to ignore the rattling cars long enough to sleep. The light of dawn illuminated the milk plant on the horizion, bringing it to a white wash glisten among the hazy aftermath. It all felt like sleeping in a pasture, inhabited by drunks instead of cows.

We meandered to the sleepy westcoast town of Hokitika late last night, after crossing 22 one way bridges on the beautiful West-coast highway. Driving into town we had to brake for a heard of drunken teenagers, guess I missed the road sign on that one. Welcome to Hokitika, home of the annual “Wild Food Festival”. One I mistakenly thought had something to do with forged or organic food, in reality, its about consuming the most bizarre food you can find. Oh, and drinking (surprise for us), tons of drinking. Did I mention that it is also a “fancy dress” festival, meaning nearly everyone donned hilarious, if not somewhat unintentionally ironic, drunken costumes. I expected organic food and grandmas, but I got crazy food and gaggles of train wreaked Madonnas. It all made for an interesting weekend. 

No costumes. No shenanigans. No puking on myself. We where here for the food, or should I say bugs (click here for previous times linzays consumed bugs).  Its not a fruit, but we usually dont cover bug consumption on B&S, so as far as we’re concerned it is a fruit and here is the review:

The guy who was cutting them out of the wood promised they where: A) Fresh. B)Taste like peanut butter. C) Could have a little of a sawdust finish. He had me at peanut butter.

It was the first stall we saw as we ventured through the gates. A group of sunburned teenagers, hacked at a mountain of dry wood, taking their HuHu prisoners to the big guy with the plate. “Two dollars” he yelled!Bargin.

I would be lying if I said I wasnt thinking of Lion King style grubs as I grabbed the least wriggly specimen on the plate. It was plump to the touch but didnt go crazy when I picked him up. This one had accepted his fate. So, I popped him “down the hatch” and chewed as fast as I could for two reasons: One, that is what they do on Fear Factor when they eat alive stuff. Two, I realized that this guy could chew through wood. I didnt want to open myself up to a surprise attack.

Pop. It exploded like a big grape, and by doing so maintained the promise of the honest salesman.I didnt really get a “full on” peanut butter vibe, but I did get a little sawdust taste. I think of reincarnation and what these guys must have done to end up here, at the fair and in my mouth. Probably bankers. Suddenly, I get a sense of devine cosmic justice, which heightens the flavor experience.

After a long sun soaked day of eating grasshoppers, Hu Hu’s, Kava, Kangaroo and various other oddities, we trolled back to our Harlem Shake soaked campsite. Fred Flintstone is passed out and we saw a cow girl barf in her own hands. It must have been one too many sheep testicles. Glad I skipped those.